06012010

It’s funny how all the positive things about relationships take center stage in society.
We find comfort in being with someone, a sense of pride even.
But behind the scenes, the core of everything gets such little recognition.
Behind the happy veneer, love is ridiculously hard,
and it’s something you need to constantly work for.
Things don’t just happen on their own.
It takes so much hard fuckin work to be successful.
We have certain expectations for love,
and sometimes when things stray from the plan, we give up.

But that’s just the thing.
Not everything will be in the script,
and sometimes we must improvise instead of letting it break us down.
Not everyone will make the cut.
Only the strong ones who know how much effort must go into making things work;
and not only knowing, but doing everything necessary to make it work.
It’s hard when you realize that things don’t make sense, at least for me.
It’s hard when you’re fighting so hard for something
that seems to be causing you so much pain.

Love makes us crazy.
It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn't cross.
Because love isn't about fencing ourselves in, feeling safe,
feeling sure about the future.
It's about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body,
but pushing forward anyway.
Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it.
And it's so much better than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is
a world of a difference between
feeling 'happy' and feeling whole.

Gen06022010

10262009

It's funny to think about how fast things change.
Despite the time invested in heading down a certain path,
it only takes one person to lead you down a completely
opposite one in a matter of days.

The idea of forever is expansive, to say the least.
To be so sure in what you believe to be your future,
then have it completely shattered is eye-opening.
And while its connotation may seem completely negative,
the situation may be illuminating,
shedding light on something that was once hidden
because of the insistence in this one conviction of forever.

I'm not going to lie:
It does upset me to think that there
are people that were once a part of my life
that no longer are nor will ever be again.
To go from spending almost every day
with a certain group to being nervous
about running into them at a public place
is almost mind-blowing.

How is it that loyalties can bend in an instant?
Perhaps because they were never strong to begin with?
Or perhaps because they were never there at all.

Despite all these thoughts,
I suppose it's good riddance
because now I am in a position
where there is no doubt as to what is true.

Gen10262009

08152009

Why is it that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction?
Why can't something so incredibly good be just that?
Must there always be some kind of negative repercussion
that goes hand in hand with such gratification?
For once, I want to simply experience true happiness
without later having it blemished by some kind of miserable.

Things are starting to bear down on me again.
While I'm better off than many,
I know that I'm capable of so much more.
I am, once again, unsatisfied by my current situation.
I wish my education was much further along than it is.
It's not so much that I don't know what I want to do,
but rather the fact that I can't find anything that
I'm incredibly passionate about to pursue.
And this is perhaps what disturbs me the most.
I think I've found a path,
but there are so many hindrances along it
that at this point,
I can't find a way to the end.

I pray for guidance.
I pray for strength.

Gen08152009

06222009

As time progresses and new situations arise,
it is only inevitable that new relationships are formed.
Unfortunately with this, old relationships may also be broken.

I have learned this the hard way,
and although I can't express my gratitude for all that I have,
I sincerely and deeply miss certain people that I have lost.

It is unfortunate to let such a treasured friendship just slip away,
especially after so many years of building it up.
But I understand how loyalties change,
which completely alters the rules of the game.
I just never really expected to have to personally play by them.

Everything happened so quickly.
For so long, I knew my future.
I had everything planned out.
And if you know me at all,
you know how dearly I cling to that.
To being organized.
To knowing what's ahead of me.
But then I went and changed it up.
Not that I regret doing so,
but I miss that security.
Deeper than that,
I miss the bonds I had formed
that were so completely broken
with the changes that occurred.

My greatest fear in this is that
they may never be restored.
And that would truly be heartbreaking.


Gen06222009

06142009

I've always feared failing.
I've feared not being enough -
not living up to my full potential.
And for a long time,
I was completely aware that I wasn't doing anything
to help my situation that I so desperately
wanted to move away from.

But things have changed.
And despite such a short amount of time,
they have changed drastically.
I have found that motivation that I needed.
I now have a plan.
I have now set my sights on my future,
and it's a bright one.
More importantly,
I have taken steps that will eventually
get me to where I want to be.

And now I am confident -
confident in the fact that I can and will succeed,
confident in the fact that happiness is almost positively assured.

Things are good
and will only get better.
I know it.

Gen06142009

06092009

Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
-Shakespeare


I have known love.
I have experienced it more than once.
In each of those times, I had more than my share of troubles.
And for a good while, I truly felt that despite everything,
my relationships were immovable.
But I've learned otherwise.

And perhaps it's naive of me to say so,
but I truly feel that this time around is different.
A marriage of true minds, so to speak.
From the beginning, there was an attraction from both ends.
In fact, attraction is too shallow a word to describe
that instant connection that we shared.
And from the moment we started hanging out,
we were inseparable,
and that remains to this day.

Granted, we haven't had many obstacles to overcome,
save one.
And still, judging from the way things have been handled
with this one considerable impediment,
I can already see the difference.
Despite such "tempests",
our relationship has not been shaken.
Not in the least.
If anything, we have only grown stronger,
as it should be.

I am so completely content,
as I've expressed in my past several blogs.
"It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken."
The happiness and love that I feel is so immense,
it is immeasurable.
And although no physical measurement
can be put with such great emotion,
its boundlessness is one that any person can notice.

And I have complete faith that our love will not
fade with time, but in fact do the complete opposite.
Shakespeare describes what love is not:
"Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come"
Love is not susceptible to time.
It does not change with the hours and weeks,
"But bears it out even to the edge of doom."
Despite spending so much time with each other,
our feelings have only intensified,
and I believe it will continue to do so
because every day, every second spent with him
is just another moment that I can take in
and appreciate just how amazing he truly is.


Gen06092009

06082009

I love my friends.

And I don't think I tell them that enough.
Perhaps the casual "I love you" at the end of every phone conversation,
but I don't take nearly enough time to express my appreciation.

With absolutely no exaggeration,
I would be completely lost without certain people in my life.
And because of that,
I am so grateful to have them there for me.

Kimberly Clarke
The love of my life,
my sister,
my rock.
You are the best friend anyone could ever ask for.
You are just an amazing person in general,
and I strive to be as good of a person as you.
You are one of the most caring people I know,
and you give so much without even thinking of asking for anything in return.
Your selflessness and your immovable faith is so admirable.
I can't even begin to count how many times
you've stayed up with me,
listening to me cry about my problems
and offering whatever advice you could.
I know you worry about not being able to
give the best advice because you
haven't been in the same situation,
but just being there and listening is sometimes all that you need.
But you go above and beyond because you
try to put yourself in the same situation.
Honestly, I feel like you carry the whole world on your shoulders,
and all I want is to be able to help you lift that burden.
I want to be able to give back,
at least minutely,
a portion of what you have given me.
It saddens me how hard you are on yourself
because you really have no reason to be.
You take on so much responsibility,
more than anyone could ever expect from you.
That, in itself, is noteworthy.
You are a remarkable person, Kimberly **** Clarke,
and I love you dearly.

Pauline Jimenez
I adore you.
You are one of the most lively people I know.
Just being around you is a breath of fresh air
because you always know how to have a good time.
But deeper than that, you probably get me the best.
You and I can relate to each other really well,
and I know that if I ever have a problem,
I can turn to you.
You have been with me through the times
in which I've changed the most, and I you.
Perhaps the most pivotal times in our lives
have been experienced with each other.
And because of that, we share a deeper bond than most.
I have seen you go through so many transitions
and grow into the person you are now.
I know you've been through some hard times,
but they've only made you stronger.
I am so proud of you and everything you have accomplished.
You are fantastic, Paulie Pocket,
and I love you dearly.

You two have been with me the past 5 years,
the most memorable that I've had in my entire 18.
We have gone through so much together,
and I have no doubt that our friendships will last forever.
So thank you for everything you have done for me.
I can only hope that I have given something back in return.

Gen06082009