01242009

And it's done. Again. Ish.

I hate how much everything gets to me.

I hate how hard this is.

I hate being so dependent.

Like I've said before,

I hate how I've come to depend on someone else for happiness.

Because, as I've learned,

I'm always let down.

But apparently,

I haven't learned

because I keep falling back into that same pattern.

I hate being alone.

Being surrounded by even a large group of people

means nothing

because in the end,

I'm still lonely.

Pathetic.

Done.

Fin.

Gen01242009

01182009

I have come to realize

• that as much as I hate my current situation,
  I love my life.
  I am blessed to have the people in my life that I do.
  I don't think I express just how much I appreciate my friends enough.
  But for those of you who are reading,
  even if we aren't that close,
  you have changed me in some way,
  and I am thankful to have you in my life.
  
  
  
• that there is only one place,
  maybe two,
  where things just feel....right.
  And right now,
  that place isn't an option.
  So...fuck it.
  
  
  
  Gen01182009
  

01142009

These thoughts constantly pervade my mind.

But I've come to realize that there's so much more.

From this point on, I'm going to try to live past the confines

of my thoughts.

Perhaps this will bring at least some solace.

Perhaps it will sooner bring a solution.

Past the boundaries of my very self,

there is a world that I know nothing of

because I have been consumed by my

small, deranged universe.

But I'm ready to move on to better things.

And while I'm sure that these issues will follow me

wherever I choose to go, at least my mind will

be a little clearer.

Gen01142009

01132009

For now it's done.

But I'm still torn.

I want to go back.

I want to know what's best.

There are times when

I'm so sure about what to do.

But that always changes within

a couple hours.

Perhaps time will tell.

Hopefully sooner than later.

Gen01132009

01092009

Plan B
seemed to be successful for about two days or so.

And of course something just had to come up,

pushing us five steps back.

I want to feel that my efforts aren't for nothing.

I just want to be happy.
I just want to be enough.

Gen01092009

01062009

I will myself to be strong,
Although despite every effort,
I know that I remain weak.
It is such weakness that is the root of the problem.

This I know.

It is this awareness that pushes me past previous limitations,
Forcing me beyond what I thought possible.
I must be better.
For myself.
For him.

Gen01062009

01052009

My mind is the farthest thing from a safe haven these days.

I am unable to find peace even in sleep.

But I have moved on to Plan B.

Perhaps not the most well thought-through strategy,

but if it works...

And while it may not bring me happiness at first,

in time, I will prevail,

making all the suffering worth it.

...love is like an addiction, or even a disease.

It eats you up inside, clouds your judgement, makes you crazy.

But at the same time it may be the only sane thing people are capable of.

It's obsession and fear. Happiness and hurt.

Moreso it's believing that the hurt is worth while.

Love is the feeling that you would do anything for what it is that you love,

even if the consequences of that belief could be very harmful to yourself.

Love comes in all kinds of strengths and passions and forms.

Tears and laughter. Happiness and sadness. Pain and joy.

Love isn't one emotion, but all of them.

Love is the feeling of being truly alive.

I'm just waiting for that awakening again.

Gen01052009

01042009

And of course, another obstacle.

Just as I'm about to make my way over the mountain,

I come across another hill.

Why is this journey so difficult to complete?

When will it end?

I don't know what's worse -

letting my imagination run wild

or knowing that there's truth in those thoughts,

if only just a glimmer,

giving me every reason in the world to be scared.

The truth is

I would much rather be blissfully ignorant

than be hurt by the truth.

But that only makes my mind go crazy,

my thoughts race at a million miles an hour.

The truth is

I overthink things,

and I know this makes things that much worse,

but I can't help it.

The truth is

I hate this.

Gen01042009