10262009

It's funny to think about how fast things change.
Despite the time invested in heading down a certain path,
it only takes one person to lead you down a completely
opposite one in a matter of days.

The idea of forever is expansive, to say the least.
To be so sure in what you believe to be your future,
then have it completely shattered is eye-opening.
And while its connotation may seem completely negative,
the situation may be illuminating,
shedding light on something that was once hidden
because of the insistence in this one conviction of forever.

I'm not going to lie:
It does upset me to think that there
are people that were once a part of my life
that no longer are nor will ever be again.
To go from spending almost every day
with a certain group to being nervous
about running into them at a public place
is almost mind-blowing.

How is it that loyalties can bend in an instant?
Perhaps because they were never strong to begin with?
Or perhaps because they were never there at all.

Despite all these thoughts,
I suppose it's good riddance
because now I am in a position
where there is no doubt as to what is true.

Gen10262009

08152009

Why is it that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction?
Why can't something so incredibly good be just that?
Must there always be some kind of negative repercussion
that goes hand in hand with such gratification?
For once, I want to simply experience true happiness
without later having it blemished by some kind of miserable.

Things are starting to bear down on me again.
While I'm better off than many,
I know that I'm capable of so much more.
I am, once again, unsatisfied by my current situation.
I wish my education was much further along than it is.
It's not so much that I don't know what I want to do,
but rather the fact that I can't find anything that
I'm incredibly passionate about to pursue.
And this is perhaps what disturbs me the most.
I think I've found a path,
but there are so many hindrances along it
that at this point,
I can't find a way to the end.

I pray for guidance.
I pray for strength.

Gen08152009

06222009

As time progresses and new situations arise,
it is only inevitable that new relationships are formed.
Unfortunately with this, old relationships may also be broken.

I have learned this the hard way,
and although I can't express my gratitude for all that I have,
I sincerely and deeply miss certain people that I have lost.

It is unfortunate to let such a treasured friendship just slip away,
especially after so many years of building it up.
But I understand how loyalties change,
which completely alters the rules of the game.
I just never really expected to have to personally play by them.

Everything happened so quickly.
For so long, I knew my future.
I had everything planned out.
And if you know me at all,
you know how dearly I cling to that.
To being organized.
To knowing what's ahead of me.
But then I went and changed it up.
Not that I regret doing so,
but I miss that security.
Deeper than that,
I miss the bonds I had formed
that were so completely broken
with the changes that occurred.

My greatest fear in this is that
they may never be restored.
And that would truly be heartbreaking.


Gen06222009

06142009

I've always feared failing.
I've feared not being enough -
not living up to my full potential.
And for a long time,
I was completely aware that I wasn't doing anything
to help my situation that I so desperately
wanted to move away from.

But things have changed.
And despite such a short amount of time,
they have changed drastically.
I have found that motivation that I needed.
I now have a plan.
I have now set my sights on my future,
and it's a bright one.
More importantly,
I have taken steps that will eventually
get me to where I want to be.

And now I am confident -
confident in the fact that I can and will succeed,
confident in the fact that happiness is almost positively assured.

Things are good
and will only get better.
I know it.

Gen06142009

06092009

Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
-Shakespeare


I have known love.
I have experienced it more than once.
In each of those times, I had more than my share of troubles.
And for a good while, I truly felt that despite everything,
my relationships were immovable.
But I've learned otherwise.

And perhaps it's naive of me to say so,
but I truly feel that this time around is different.
A marriage of true minds, so to speak.
From the beginning, there was an attraction from both ends.
In fact, attraction is too shallow a word to describe
that instant connection that we shared.
And from the moment we started hanging out,
we were inseparable,
and that remains to this day.

Granted, we haven't had many obstacles to overcome,
save one.
And still, judging from the way things have been handled
with this one considerable impediment,
I can already see the difference.
Despite such "tempests",
our relationship has not been shaken.
Not in the least.
If anything, we have only grown stronger,
as it should be.

I am so completely content,
as I've expressed in my past several blogs.
"It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken."
The happiness and love that I feel is so immense,
it is immeasurable.
And although no physical measurement
can be put with such great emotion,
its boundlessness is one that any person can notice.

And I have complete faith that our love will not
fade with time, but in fact do the complete opposite.
Shakespeare describes what love is not:
"Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come"
Love is not susceptible to time.
It does not change with the hours and weeks,
"But bears it out even to the edge of doom."
Despite spending so much time with each other,
our feelings have only intensified,
and I believe it will continue to do so
because every day, every second spent with him
is just another moment that I can take in
and appreciate just how amazing he truly is.


Gen06092009

06082009

I love my friends.

And I don't think I tell them that enough.
Perhaps the casual "I love you" at the end of every phone conversation,
but I don't take nearly enough time to express my appreciation.

With absolutely no exaggeration,
I would be completely lost without certain people in my life.
And because of that,
I am so grateful to have them there for me.

Kimberly Clarke
The love of my life,
my sister,
my rock.
You are the best friend anyone could ever ask for.
You are just an amazing person in general,
and I strive to be as good of a person as you.
You are one of the most caring people I know,
and you give so much without even thinking of asking for anything in return.
Your selflessness and your immovable faith is so admirable.
I can't even begin to count how many times
you've stayed up with me,
listening to me cry about my problems
and offering whatever advice you could.
I know you worry about not being able to
give the best advice because you
haven't been in the same situation,
but just being there and listening is sometimes all that you need.
But you go above and beyond because you
try to put yourself in the same situation.
Honestly, I feel like you carry the whole world on your shoulders,
and all I want is to be able to help you lift that burden.
I want to be able to give back,
at least minutely,
a portion of what you have given me.
It saddens me how hard you are on yourself
because you really have no reason to be.
You take on so much responsibility,
more than anyone could ever expect from you.
That, in itself, is noteworthy.
You are a remarkable person, Kimberly **** Clarke,
and I love you dearly.

Pauline Jimenez
I adore you.
You are one of the most lively people I know.
Just being around you is a breath of fresh air
because you always know how to have a good time.
But deeper than that, you probably get me the best.
You and I can relate to each other really well,
and I know that if I ever have a problem,
I can turn to you.
You have been with me through the times
in which I've changed the most, and I you.
Perhaps the most pivotal times in our lives
have been experienced with each other.
And because of that, we share a deeper bond than most.
I have seen you go through so many transitions
and grow into the person you are now.
I know you've been through some hard times,
but they've only made you stronger.
I am so proud of you and everything you have accomplished.
You are fantastic, Paulie Pocket,
and I love you dearly.

You two have been with me the past 5 years,
the most memorable that I've had in my entire 18.
We have gone through so much together,
and I have no doubt that our friendships will last forever.
So thank you for everything you have done for me.
I can only hope that I have given something back in return.

Gen06082009

06032009

I have met one of the most amazing people in the world.
The word amazing has been used so loosely that I feel it has lost its effect,
but I can say with all honesty that this boy is, in fact, amazing.

He’s so beyond extraordinary in every way.
And to this day, despite spending almost 3 weeks straight with him [with the exception of work],
I still cannot find the words to describe him.
He is unique in the best possible way.

I have met many people, but none quite like him.
The effect he has on me is one that is indescribable.
I am the happiest I have been in a very long time.
But it’s so much more than just being happy because happiness can come from so many different places and people and in different ways.
I am inspired.
Just the fact that he contemplates these ideas that are so far beyond high school drama and every day insignificance is exceptionally admirable.
I have found that motivation that I was so desperately searching for.
I find myself thinking in new ways.
And perhaps that is also a principle reason for my newfound bliss.
I have been able to move past such triviality and onto deeper things – things that truly matter.
And I think I’ve known all along that that’s exactly what I needed, but I needed something or someone to show me how to do so.

I had previously written that I feel like I haven't left my mark on this world nor will I ever.
But now, I feel like I’ve made a difference.
I think that in being in such a content state, I have been able to accept that I have actually made an impact.
I have been told by several people that I have, in some way or another, been a significant influence in their lives.
And really, that’s all I want. I realize now that I don’t need to change the world.
If I can at least change one person for the better, then I am satisfied.

So the point is:
I am happy - happier than any mundane blog could ever begin to explain.
I can only wish that each person can experience the revelation that I have.
I can only pray that everyone can be as lucky as I am because I am, quite possibly, the luckiest person in the world. :]

Gen 06032009

05302009

Things are looking up.
I am the happiest I have been in a very long time,
and I have no qualms in saying that it is due to the people I am surrounded with.

I am so grateful for the new people in my life
and for those that have stayed true through thick and thin.

I cannot begin to express how great these past 2 weeks or so have been.
Happiness does not even begin to touch it.
Bliss? Sublime, even.
This is the most I've ever hung out with Pauline and Kim, the best friends in the world. :D
And I can't put into words how much they truly mean to me.
On top of that, I've gotten to spend time with Dylan who is one of the most amazing people in zee entire world.
On top of that, I've hung out with Richard more, who is one of the funniest people I know.
Things are definitely great. :]

I have learned a lot in the past several months,
and I have grown from all of my experiences.
I can absolutely say that I am much more cautious about my decisions
and dealing with my emotions,
which was perhaps my downfall in the last year or so.

So the point is:
Life is great.
Thanks to everyone who is a part of it because you are what makes it so worth living.

Gen05302009

05272009

So basically,
I'm the happiest I've been in a really long time.
I finally feel like I've been able to move past all the drama
that has surrounded me for the past several months.
I am finally content with the direction my life is taking.

I have met some amazing people in the past month or so,
and this is perhaps the main reason for my happiness.
Quite frankly, the past two weeks have been...bliss.
I can't begin to describe how...euphoric the past two weeks have been.

So pretty much...
things are looking up. :D


Gen05272009

05022009

So much has happened in the past couple months.
But I have lived, and I have learned.
I regret some things, others I do not.

But I think now I have achieved a level of contentedness.
I think I feared not having the security of a relationship.
But once I got comfortable being out of one,
things got better.
Granted, it's still weird and hard at times.
I mean, I haven't been single in almost 5 years.
Kinda odd at first.

But I've taken this time to hang out with my own friends,
and I've realized who is truly there for me and who isn't.
I am so thankful for the people I have in my life
because they mean the world to me.

I've also taken this time to explore.
I'm excited for new beginnings.
I'm excited to meet new people and make new friends.

So we'll see where things go.
No matter what, things will work out if they're meant to.
Fate and determination both play a part
so I'm pretty interested to see where that takes me.

Gen05022009

02162009

So I haven't posted in awhile.

Turns out, not too much to update.

Things are still...complicated.

I fear they will be for awhile.

On the other hand,

I still have moving out to look forward to. :]

Down to 2 weeks!

Oh my.

Gen02162009

01242009

And it's done. Again. Ish.

I hate how much everything gets to me.

I hate how hard this is.

I hate being so dependent.

Like I've said before,

I hate how I've come to depend on someone else for happiness.

Because, as I've learned,

I'm always let down.

But apparently,

I haven't learned

because I keep falling back into that same pattern.

I hate being alone.

Being surrounded by even a large group of people

means nothing

because in the end,

I'm still lonely.

Pathetic.

Done.

Fin.

Gen01242009

01182009

I have come to realize

• that as much as I hate my current situation,
  I love my life.
  I am blessed to have the people in my life that I do.
  I don't think I express just how much I appreciate my friends enough.
  But for those of you who are reading,
  even if we aren't that close,
  you have changed me in some way,
  and I am thankful to have you in my life.
  
  
  
• that there is only one place,
  maybe two,
  where things just feel....right.
  And right now,
  that place isn't an option.
  So...fuck it.
  
  
  
  Gen01182009
  

01142009

These thoughts constantly pervade my mind.

But I've come to realize that there's so much more.

From this point on, I'm going to try to live past the confines

of my thoughts.

Perhaps this will bring at least some solace.

Perhaps it will sooner bring a solution.

Past the boundaries of my very self,

there is a world that I know nothing of

because I have been consumed by my

small, deranged universe.

But I'm ready to move on to better things.

And while I'm sure that these issues will follow me

wherever I choose to go, at least my mind will

be a little clearer.

Gen01142009

01132009

For now it's done.

But I'm still torn.

I want to go back.

I want to know what's best.

There are times when

I'm so sure about what to do.

But that always changes within

a couple hours.

Perhaps time will tell.

Hopefully sooner than later.

Gen01132009

01092009

Plan B
seemed to be successful for about two days or so.

And of course something just had to come up,

pushing us five steps back.

I want to feel that my efforts aren't for nothing.

I just want to be happy.
I just want to be enough.

Gen01092009

01062009

I will myself to be strong,
Although despite every effort,
I know that I remain weak.
It is such weakness that is the root of the problem.

This I know.

It is this awareness that pushes me past previous limitations,
Forcing me beyond what I thought possible.
I must be better.
For myself.
For him.

Gen01062009

01052009

My mind is the farthest thing from a safe haven these days.

I am unable to find peace even in sleep.

But I have moved on to Plan B.

Perhaps not the most well thought-through strategy,

but if it works...

And while it may not bring me happiness at first,

in time, I will prevail,

making all the suffering worth it.

...love is like an addiction, or even a disease.

It eats you up inside, clouds your judgement, makes you crazy.

But at the same time it may be the only sane thing people are capable of.

It's obsession and fear. Happiness and hurt.

Moreso it's believing that the hurt is worth while.

Love is the feeling that you would do anything for what it is that you love,

even if the consequences of that belief could be very harmful to yourself.

Love comes in all kinds of strengths and passions and forms.

Tears and laughter. Happiness and sadness. Pain and joy.

Love isn't one emotion, but all of them.

Love is the feeling of being truly alive.

I'm just waiting for that awakening again.

Gen01052009

01042009

And of course, another obstacle.

Just as I'm about to make my way over the mountain,

I come across another hill.

Why is this journey so difficult to complete?

When will it end?

I don't know what's worse -

letting my imagination run wild

or knowing that there's truth in those thoughts,

if only just a glimmer,

giving me every reason in the world to be scared.

The truth is

I would much rather be blissfully ignorant

than be hurt by the truth.

But that only makes my mind go crazy,

my thoughts race at a million miles an hour.

The truth is

I overthink things,

and I know this makes things that much worse,

but I can't help it.

The truth is

I hate this.

Gen01042009